My Second Long Goodbye: Chapter 12
Again weeks have passed since I last wrote but a couple of things have occurred that have me back at it. As always I beg your indulgence because where this goes depends solely on how my thoughts come to me as I write. I never have an outline and am spurred to write by a feeling that comes over me in the moment.
A dedication I wrote years ago
Yesterday I composed a letter to the granddaughter of one of my wife’s longest term friends – approaching 7 decades! I was writing to inform her that I was sending her some materials I had written as a teacher both for my students and later for student teachers under my wife’s supervision. Sarah is now in her first year teaching math and I did so for 35 years and so I wanted to share some of the wisdom I gained from my experience in the hopes it might make her job easier. As I perused the materials I was sending her I was struck by the dedication I had written in the student teacher booklet. I had dedicated it to my wife. It reads:
This booklet is dedicated to my wife, Susan, who is the most creative teacher I have ever known! The love and dedication she has put into her career both as a classroom teacher and as a supervisor of student teachers serves as a shining example of what it takes to be a great teacher!
Reading this dedication brought tears to my eyes and served as a wakeup call to me concerning how I am navigating this journey with her dementia. It reminded me that while she no longer has the capacities she once had she remains the beautiful woman I promised “to love and honor for richer or poorer in sickness and in health until death due us part” over 53 years ago! Even with diminished capacities when I go to see her and we sit cuddled on the couch listening to music from the 50s and 60s she still kisses me warmly and tells me she loves me!
Our relationship is still strong and filled with love and feeling this each time I am with her reminds me in the moment how much I still love her and owe her! She can no longer make decisions for herself but I still can and these past couple of days and experiences have begun to make me realize that I had temporarily lost focus on my reality and the path I should be walking. In our support group we often express the journey we are on as “walking each other home.” Indeed that is what we are and should be doing not just for each other but most especially for the one we love so dearly.
Living apart and still loving her
My wife and I have been physically separated for twenty eight months now which is hard for me to believe but true. During this separation I have spent countless hours trying to fill the void in my life caused by our separation. I have written about this in previous blogs and “justified” my search for companionship by saying my wife is no longer the person she was that she is incapable of giving me all the emotional support I need.
While this is certainly true she continues to love me intensely and shows me that often. So why have I been so obsessed with my own needs and not hers. My answer has been that I am doing all I can for her. I have her in an incredible living environment being cared for 24/7 by amazing caregivers where she is loved and attended to not only by the caregivers but also by the owner who truly loves my wife! How can I be expected to do anymore?
Should I not be attending to my own wellbeing? Don’t I need to take care of myself so that I can continue to be there for her? The answer to these questions is yes! So why am I so confused? Why do I have feelings of both shame and guilt? Being completely honest I have those feelings because I feel like I am being selfish. My desire for companionship is not really a need I must fulfill to be well. I am perfectly healthy without someone by my side.
Certainly many people live perfectly satisfying lives alone. So what then? Why am I struggling with this so mightily and why do I write about it here?
I write about it here understanding that most people who read this will not face the same battle I face but that they might face their own particular battle which might cause them similar feelings of guilt and shame. I think everyone has periods in this journey where those or other negative feelings may occur. I write to tell you this is a normal part of this journey we are on and having those feelings only means you are normal! Learning to cope with them is our challenge. It is one that both support group and individual therapy can help you with and you should never hesitate to engage both if you can.
I swing back and forth from thinking I have it handled to knowing I don’t. At the moment I think I have somewhat of a handle on it but it is tenuous at best. It could change on a moments notice. But where I am at this particular moment is why I am writing this now. At this moment at least I want to say that your perspective on your journey matters. How you see what you are going through makes a tremendous difference in both what you feel and how you act.
So at this moment at least my thought is that I should be looking at my situation not for what I am missing but rather for what I still have – a loving wife! At this moment at least I am choosing to focus on the privilege I have to be accompanying the woman I chose to love 53 years ago and continue to love to this day on her devastating journey with dementia. She is an awesome woman as she was an awesome teacher and she deserves no less than my full focus as we “walk each other home”!
She never chose to suffer this disease nor did I choose it for her but nonetheless she has it and I pledged to love and honor her in sickness and in health until death do us part and I pray every minute of every day that I am given the strength to honor what I have pledged – she deserves no less!
Walking your own path
So in closing I say to you you will have struggles as you walk your loved one home that is guaranteed but how you deal with them is your choice. At times you will feel like you are failing and at your wits end. You might feel guilt and shame as I have at times and still do but if you can step back and realize this is the person you have chosen to love and they desperately need the best you you have to offer them during this journey.
If you can think not of it as your obligation or burden but rather as your privilege to be at their side during this difficult walk home! It truly is a matter of perspective of how you choose to see it. So make your choice out of the deep love that brought the two of you together and enjoy every golden moment you have remaining! I truly believe that when the journey is over you will look back and feel a special feeling of comfort and even joy that you stood by their side throughout until the very end!
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