My Second Long Goodbye: Chapter 2
I left off in the previous post having received a list from the support group of suggested actions for me to take to help with our journey going forward. The first action was to review our long term care policy to check both coverage and implementation. Fortunately when I did so I was reassured to find what I thought was true indeed was true. The policy we had purchased over twenty years ago was the Cadillac of policies.
It covered both in home care and care in a facility to a degree that we were able to not worry about cost. The implementation was easy. It only took a call to the company to start it which I did immediately because it required out of pocket payment until care had been given for 90 days. If you have a long term care policy make sure you know what it covers and how to implement it!
Bringing care into our home
My next move was to call agencies that provided in home care to hire caregivers to come in to assist my wife so I could get some respite. Satisfied with the agency the group had recommended I hired them to provide services for 4 hours three days a week to begin in two weeks. If you are dealing with a veteran you can get respite care through them and if there is a non profit agency in your area as there is in mine (Del Oro Caregiver Resource Center (916) 728-9333) they might provide you with respite care.
Having hired a caregiver to come to the home I was ill prepared for her arrival. When the lady arrived she asked me what I wanted her to do. I had no idea but I knew they would do light housework while there so I suggested she go up to our bedroom and work on sorting my wife’s clothes that were strewn about and had both clean and dirty clothes intermingled. The caregiver immediately set about the task I had given her and over the next four hours got everything organized.
The problem was that my wife was not on board with having anyone come in and the fact that this lady was violating her space and touching her things set her off. She went for a walk and when she returned wanted the lady gone never to return. In retrospect I should have had contact with the caregiver before she arrived and worked out what she would do when she came. What probably should have happened is that the caregiver should have spent the four hours getting to know us and trying to get my wife comfortable with her presence.
If you are going to hire an in home caregiver be sure to know what is going to happen the first time they arrive. I also think that the caregiver should tell you what works best and set the expectations. With the disastrous start I was forced to terminate the lady and ask for a different caregiver to come for the next four hour shift. Unfortunately we were never able to have my wife accept anyone’s presence and certainly not anyone’s help with her personal hygiene which had become the problem.
After nine visits we gave up on the in home care idea. Doing so forced my hand terms of the next option which was facility placement.
Exploring care facilities
While the in home care option was playing out I was already in touch with a local free social services organization that helps with placement (Senior Care Solutions (916) 965-5565). They have two sides to their service. One side deals with people who have long term care insurance and the other with those who do not have such insurance. The side for those with no insurance helps people to navigate the complexities of finding funding to help offset the cost of the care as well as trying to find appropriate placement.
For us because we have insurance we were put in touch with a woman who owns 4 care facilities. As fortune would have it we have a friend whose mother was in one of those facilities in the past and so we were given positive feedback about them. The lady who owns it came over for a visit with us on a pretext of getting some travel information from us. She came with our friend whose mother-in-law had previously been in one of her facilities so it was comfortable meeting with her and my wife was not aware of the actual reason for the visit.
During the visit the lady noticed that my wife’s toenails needed attention and she casually mentioned that she was learning to do pedicures and wondered if my wife would like her to do one for her. My wife hates having her feet touched so I was surprised when she said maybe that would be ok. As the lady left she took me aside and said definitely she would take my wife in one of her facilities if we decided that she needed to be placed.
Having already decided that I needed to place my wife, my son and daughter-in-law and my friend made a visit to the facility that had an opening and took the tour with the owner. As the tour ended she told us to look around at other facilities before making a decision. As I left with my group we looked at each other and all agreed we needed to look no further we had found the perfect place for my wife. When I got home I called the owner and told her I would like to reserve the room she had available and discuss how and when placement could happen.
She said she would like to meet me and my son and daughter-in-law again to discuss this and so we set a meeting at my house when my wife would be out with a friend. At the meeting we discussed financial arrangements and the level of care my wife would require. As the meeting began to wrap up I suggested she might leave before my wife got home but she insisted on staying and when my wife came home she gave her a pedicure!! I was amazed.
When the lady left my wife complained to me about the lady giving her the pedicure but I reminded her that she had given her permission.
The hardest decision
Now I was faced with the hardest thing I have ever done in my life – the placement of my wife in a care facility without any discussion with her whatsoever! The guilt I was feeling was overwhelming but I kept getting support and encouragement from my family and from my support group and it helped me to realize that what I was doing was the right thing in spite of the guilt I felt.
My wife and I had been going to Carmel for our anniversary every year for the past 20 years and that trip was coming up very soon. The owner had said that the best way for me to make the actual placement would be for me to bring my wife directly to the facility upon returning from Carmel without going home first. My son and his wife were on board with the plan and were going to bring my wife’s clothes and some items from home to the facility while we were in Carmel so that when my wife was left at the facility she would have a comfortable environment to live in.
As the time for our excursion came closer I began to feel pangs of guilt and anxiety and continued to question if I were doing the right thing! For 51 years we had been joined at the hip and now without her knowledge or consent I was placing her in a facility and ending that closeness. (I literally have tears in my eyes as I write this because even now after 21 months apart the pain is still present and at times overwhelming.)
The day arrived April 14, 2024 our actual 51st wedding anniversary and we set off for our last vacation together. The entire 4 days in Carmel were torture for me as I knew the time was fast approaching that I was going to have to actually unjoin us at the hip. For four glorious days in the sunshine of Carmel we sat and watched the ocean gently washing the seashore and the sunsets giving perfect endings to the days. We had our last lunch at The Bench restaurant at Pebble Beach overlooking the 18th green a tradition that had spanned the many years we had been coming here.
Then it was April 18th the day of placement. As we drove home I was wondering how I was going to explain when we didn’t go home but rather went to the facility. My mind was racing with ideas and my heart was pounding and it was all I could do to keep from crying uncontrollably. Finally I concocted a plan. As we approached Sacramento I told my wife that we were going to meet Jennifer (the owner) at her house because she wanted to have us over to thank us for helping her with the travel questions she had discussed with us on our initial meeting.
I was convincing enough that she had no questions. As we arrived at the facility, a gorgeous home in Orangevale, we were greeted at the front steps by Jennifer with a warm smile and a gracious hello and thanks for coming. We had not discussed exactly how this was going to play out before we arrived but the moment was at hand and now it was up to me to make this work. We went inside and as we did I had a flash about how this could be done.
With Jennifer engaging my wife I turned to them and said that I had a phone call and needed to step outside to take the call. When I returned I told them that the call was from my cousin in Idaho telling me that my mother was having a medical emergency and needed me to come immediately to be with her. (My mother and my wife’s mother had both been dead for years at this point but my wife thought they were both still alive.) I turned to my wife and said that since I was already all packed from our trip that I would go immediately to the airport and fly to Idaho to be with my mother.
Jennifer said go don’t worry about your wife she would take care of her while I was gone. My wife said she would go with me but I insisted it was better if I went alone and she didn’t argue. I kissed my wife and then turned and walked out the door and didn’t see my wife again for five weeks at Jennifer’s recommendation!
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