My Second Long Goodbye: Chapter 10
Again a couple of months have passed since I last wrote about my journey and I have continued both group and individual therapy religiously. Before I begin to write this piece I reread the last one I wrote where I discussed how I had finally after two plus years reached a level of acceptance of my condition which allows me to concentrate on myself and creating a reality that both includes and excludes my wife at various times.
I continue to see her and interact at least three times a week and I still take her out for rides and for meals at friends’ homes. Her condition seems stabilized and except for the dementia she is in pretty good health. She does have problems walking because she gets little physical exercise and her muscles continue to atrophy. I am addressing this issue by attempting to institute physical therapy if possible. When we are together things continue to go well.
She is mostly happy and often alert and we enjoy music and cuddling. I try to drink in these golden moments as much as I can, not knowing how many more still lie ahead!
Two moments that stayed with me
Two things have happened recently that have impacted me profoundly in different ways. The first was reading an article concerning a trial underway in Southern California involving Alzheimer’s. It turns out that the husband of one of my former students who I remain close to owns a private clinic where he is doing research into possible treatments for Alzheimer’s. The treatment his clinic is working on involves injections of the new drug they are developing which requires proximity to his clinic in order to participate in the trial.
Early results of the trial are promising instilling hope that maybe just maybe this drug might have positive results in slowing and maybe even to some degree reversing some symptoms of the disease. This news is both heartening and devastating for me at the same time! I am heartened and happy that a new drug might be available to help people with this awful disease but I am also devasted by the thought that a close friend of mine might be developing a drug that could help my wife and I cannot access it for her!
The thought that there might be something out there that might work but it is somewhere inaccessible to my wife leaves me with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach!
The second thing of significance that happened recently was my most recent individual therapy session. I have written openly here before about my feelings of a need for intimacy to somehow replace what has been lost with my wife. I have spent countless hours online exploring possible relationships that might in some small way fill the void I am feeling in this area. I have openly discussed this with my therapist and basically been advised that these online relationships are not real in the sense that they cannot provide the intimacy I supposedly seek and the chance that they will lead to anything that might is slim to none and that they are probably not healthy.
So the question became why if I accepted intellectually that this was true did I continue to engage in them. My answer was always because they filled a void in my time in the evenings and they felt good because I was getting positive feedback from them. What was left unsaid was that really they were a way for me to avoid thinking about what I had lost with my wife. Thinking about that only brought me sadness, anger and emptiness and it was so much more pleasant to engage in the fantasy that I was creating online and so I continued from one to another always making myself believe that something good and positive would come out of the effort and I would feel fulfilled and whole again!
Having to confront the reality of what was actually happening forced me to examine the underlying truth of why I continued to do this. That truth is that these encounters were allowing me to avoid confronting the deep grief I feel at the slow loss of the deep lifelong love of my life! If I didn’t allow myself to think about what was happening in my real life I could mask the pain and suffering that lies deep within me!
And the truth is my ploy was working. I could come to group each week and report that I was doing fine. I was healing and moving on trying to create a new life for myself that would make me happy and fulfilled. Actually nothing could be further from the truth! As active and involved I am every day in various activities I am not truly okay.
Facing grief
The lesson I am currently confronting is that you cannot run away from or cover up your grief. If you try it just burrows deeper into your soul and it will eventually have to be dealt with if you are to ever fully heal. Grief comes in many forms. It is different for those of us whose spouse or loved one is still living than it is for those who have lost theirs but it is nonetheless grief and it must be faced!
What helped me
As I have reported before, when I first went to my Alzheimer’s support group I spent 45 minutes sobbing in pain and anguish as I related to this bunch of strangers what I was feeling and confronting. Many times since in that same setting I have been brought to tears either by my own words and feelings at the particular moment or by the words of another member pouring out their pain and anguish from the journey they are on! This disease is awful and currently lethal and facing it takes courage and the emotional support of others to get through it if you can!
Above all else remember this. You cannot avoid the grief! Don’t try to bottle it up or avoid it! So cry your tears and shout your rage to the heavens! The tears are a sign of acceptance and necessary for healing! So allow yourself to feel and emote both privately and publicly! We are human and this is one of the hardest journeys we can face in this life but we can get through it but we should never try to do this alone!!
Again as I have done so many times before, I encourage you if you haven’t already done so, join a Alzheimer’s support group and if you can afford it or your insurance will cover it get individual therapy as well. The more people you have supporting you the better!!
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