My Second Long Goodbye: Chapter 11
Each time I sit down to write I have the same sensation of bewilderment and tears begin to leak from my eyes. This journey doesn’t seem to be getting any easier with the passing months and I wonder where it all leads and how it eventually ends.
A number of things have happened recently that have caused me to want to put these words to paper. One of the members of the support group I am in is lying in a hospital bed from which I am certain he will not exit until he has taken his last breath. Another member lies in another hospital bed fighting the effects of lymphoma and is also most likely on the final leg of her journey. These two bring to five the number of members of the group that have fought the good fight and come to the end of their journey. Each of the previous three had their individual stories of struggle and heartbreak and desperation before they succumbed to the inevitable end of their journey as we all will in the end. As the saying goes: “none of us will get out of this alive!”
As I have watched each of these people carry their burden and as I observe the remaining members of our group carrying theirs I want to take a moment here to reflect on the need for each of us to remember the importance of selfcare! (This is not only applicable to people on the Alzheimer’s journey but really to everyone on life’s journey no matter their circumstances.)
When caregivers need care, too
All too often we get caught up in the care of others and neglect the very necessary care of ourselves. Sometimes we believe we are caring for ourselves but may be doing quite the opposite. For example in my personal journey I have been searching for a way to replace the intimacy I have lost with my wife in a care home and that very search has only added additional stress to my life rather than the comfort I seek. For the past couple of years I have ignored the obvious signs from my body that the path I have been on is not a healthy one for me.
I have ignored the elevated blood pressure and the feelings of discomfort my search has produced telling myself that the hours of my life the search has consumed have given me a welcomed relief from the loneliness I feel when night sets in and I am alone with only my thoughts! I told myself I was simply trying to build a new life given the reality of my current situation but what I was really doing was trying to escape a situation I was not prepared to confront and accept.
I think finally I have come to the realization that the path I was taking is not healthy and am finally feeling strong enough to end that particular search (my therapist here is saying sure you have told me that many times before but I won’t believe it until I see it happening for real.) My mind is whirling with so many things I want to say here but not knowing how to proceed so please indulge me and know that what follows may not seem particularly coherent as I write about a myriad of things that occupy my life and thoughts at the moment. I only hope that what I write might have some positive effect on someone else on the journey and that you will forgive my ramblings if it doesn’t for you.
A couple of months ago I met a young woman at my wife’s care home who was there to give massages to the residents. She was a student at a massage therapy institute where she was working through courses to receive her certificate as a massage therapist. I mentioned to her that I had never had a massage before and she encouraged me to try one at the institute where she trained. After giving it some thought I decided to try it and booked a 55 minute massage for the following week.
When I arrived at the facility I was assigned a student trainee randomly as is always the case when someone comes in. My trainee was superb and the massage I received was relaxing and therapeutic and after finishing the trainee convinced me to return the next week and book a 110 minute session. She told me that even though the policy was that each session you would be assigned a random trainee she was fairly confident that she could arrange for me to have her again so I signed up.
The second session was equally beneficial and she was totally into providing me with a healing touch. Unfortunately after the second session she was graduating out of the program and would not be at the clinic in the future which was disappointing to me because she was providing me with something I needed even though I had no clue of that fact before I met her. After discussing what might be possible going forward we decided that she could provide me with a massage privately which I accepted and she did.
Again her touch was healing and comforting and I am so glad we met.
I tell this story because I think it illustrates that oftentimes when we are in search of something it will come to us if we are open to it. Some things cannot be forced by our willing them into being but they can still be found by simply paying attention to our everyday lives. It was my sister-in-law that pointed out to me that the touch that I have been so sorely missing and seeking since my wife’s movement to the care home might be being sufficiently provided by the massage therapist with the healing caring hands.
For those of you who have never experienced a massage I highly recommend you try it. I will be forever grateful that I did. If you are in the Sacramento area I would recommend the National Holistic Institute Student Massage Clinic at 1610 Arden Way, Sacramento, CA 95815. Their telephone number is (916) 621-6217.
Before I leave this topic I want to share with you something my student therapist wrote to me that she was including in her speech when she graduated last week. I think it is a fitting reminder that whatever our work we can be caring human beings to one another.
In her words
This is part of my speech today
There is one client I’ll never forget. His name is Pat. Pat was 80 years old, and before walking into our student clinic, he had never experience a massage.
He had spent much of his life caring for his wife, who now resides in a nursing home. As he shared his story, I couldn’t help but think about how many years his hands had spent supporting someone else.
Then it hit me…
I wondered when the last time was that someone had simply cared for him.
Not because they had to.
Not because he was sick.
But simply because he was another human being worthy of kindness.
As I worked, I realized this session wasn’t just about relieving tight muscles.
It was about offering something so simple, yet so easily forgotten…
A gentle touch.
A steady, supporting hand.
A quiet moment of comfort.
A place where he didn’t have to carry the weight of the world for just a little while.
Pat reminded me that sometimes what people are longing for isn’t another treatment plan or another diagnosis.
Sometimes they’re simply longing for a moment where they can exhale…
…where they feel safe…
…where someone says, without words,
“For the next hour, you don’t have to take care of anyone else. Let me take care of you.”
That is a gift. And it is one of the greatest privileges of this profession.
What I took from that encounter
How very lucky am I that this young woman came into my life if only briefly at this time. Her words remind me of the great privilege we have to be alive and in communion with other souls on life’s journey and just how much one small interaction can mean in the life of someone in need. We may never know the difference we make for another be it with a smile a simple hello or a listening ear but recognizing what those simple gestures from others do for us we can know for certain that ours to them are equally significant! So never miss a chance to be kind!
There is so much more swirling around in my head this moment but I am not sure how to connect it all so I think I will close with these final thoughts directly related to the specific journey that we are on with dementia.
I want to acknowledge the difficulty of the journey that those of you who are still dealing with having your loved ones at home in your care are still dealing with. Believe me I understand the frustration and the complexity of the lives you are now leading and want you to know that I regularly offer prayers on your behalf. Not everyone is able either emotionally or financially to be able to place their loved ones in a caring home where they can be given the professional attention their needs require but if you can you need to consider it for the sake of your own health and wellbeing. Doing so will be among the hardest decisions you will make in your life if not the hardest but not doing so if you can risks unhealthy consequences for both of you as well.
Having made the difficult decision to place my wife and having over two years to live with it I have come to realize it was the best decision for us both. What we have now is a continuing loving relationship where when we are together we can share the love and feel it intensely without having to face the everyday realities of coping with the physical needs of her dementia which I was not capable of handling!
I am going to end here and only hope this rambling makes some sense and gives someone else hope and support.
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